What Messages Are Your Kids Getting From Chris Brown and Rihanna?
1 in 3 Teens is Abused in a Relationship
Talk to your kids
What Happened?
Nothing says breakfast like discussing domestic violence with your 15-year-old son. But as the news of Chris Brown and Rihanna's reunion filtered in, I felt I had to inject my values into the conversation. Just because she forgave her boyfriend for his alleged beating of her doesn't mean it's OK, I told my cereal-munching child. He grunted, but I know he was listening. And he should be. He's starting his social life as a young adult, and he must understand that domestic violence is never OK. Ever. Under any conditions.
By now, your kids know that 19-year-old R&B fave Chris Brown has been charged with beating up his girlfriend, 21-year-old singer Rihanna, and leaving her bloodied and bitten by the side of the road. And your kids probably also know that Rihanna didn't press charges. But that didn't stop the Los Angeles District Attorney's office from charging Brown with felony counts of assault and making criminal threats.
1 in 3 Teens is Abused in a Relationship
When Rihanna reunited with Brown and announced that they were recording a duet, well, that sent a big message about what's acceptable. The consequences seem few; yes, Brown faces felony charges, but he was still a Nickelodeon's Kids' Choice Awards nominee until he removed his name from consideration on March 11. Our kids live in a celebrity role model and reality-TV world where outrageous behavior is rewarded with air time and even more fame. In this world, they routinely see girls getting criticized, put down, and treated as sexual objects -- and being rewarded for "taking it." This affects our kids' sense of what's culturally acceptable. The horrible truth is that 1 in 3 teens is abused verbally or physically in a relationship. This isn't acceptable, and parents must step in and say so.
Talk to your kids
Help your kids understand what abuse is. Even if your teens aren't dating, help them understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Don't be afraid to use examples from real life or favorite TV shows. Help them understand the signs of abuse: serial manipulation that results in fights, tears and capitulation, verbal assaults with continual criticisms and put downs, and physical attacks. Tell them that abuse victims often feel like it's their fault or fear that they'll lose the ones they love if they report abuse. That's part of the cycle.
Just because Rihanna and Chris are stars, doesn't mean abuse is OK. The media acts as a super peer for kids, normalizing behavior that we often find unacceptable. There are very few absolutes in life. Tell your kids that this is one -- they should never sit still for being brutally put down by someone they're involved with. And if anyone lays a hand on them, tell them to get out -- fast.
If you suspect abuse, let your kids know you won't judge them, you simply want them to be safe. Kids won't open up if they think you'll take away their "love object." Look at Rihanna. She turned her back on her family, friends -- even Oprah. The brutal fact is that abusers don't stop being abusers. It's a sickness. Finally, don't judge your kids -- the worst thing you can do is make them feel like it's their fault they're being hurt.
Finally, if your teen admits to being abused or if he or she has a friend in that position, get help. Don't make ultimatums and try to force a break-up. Not only will it not work because your teen will probably be in denial, but forcing a separation may boomerang and send your teen back to the abuser. Even if your teen resists talking, keep at it, stressing that your concerns are for their safety.
There are 33 community opinions on this topic
When children are in their teenage what are the actual physic changes do they get and why do they get attracted to opposite sex? online-dating
http://www.spiceoflife.com.au
I think they aren't sending a good message for anyone, and this isn't teaching anyone anything good , someone abuses you and you still don't say anything about it until everyone finds out about it ,after you've gone through such pain, no way!
That isn't setting a good example, that's making things worse for yourself, I understand that it is difficult to talk about it, while it may be happening but, still it can really help you, the best thing for someone to do in that situation is to, get help if they can, before it becomes worse.
I think that both Chris Brown and Rihanna made the wrong decisions.
The sad truth is a lot of women are in Rihanna's position, and they believe their abuser when he says he'll never do it again. In a lot of cases, that's what happens multiple times. Although he apologized and was forgiven, and forgiving is the right thing to do, it is setting a bad example for teens- girls and boys- everywhere.
No one should ever be in that position, and women should value their independence as much- if not more- than the man they are with. If he does not treat you right and physically harms you, you should never have to deal with that again.
Yea, what Chris done to Rihanna was wrong...but there is no reason to be mad at him or whatever...All tho Rihanna did make him mad and stuff but theres no reason to be talking bad about them...LAst i seen they were back togather idk if its true or not but they seem so happy togather...and Chris said he was sorry and he promised Rihanna he would NEVER beat her like that EVER again...
wooww umm thats bad wat chris brown did to rihanna but i still love ****them
wooww umm thats bad wat chris brown did to rihanna but i still love ****them
i cant believe chris would do something terrible to a nice girl like rihana its terrible i used to think chris brown was ok but ive turned my back on him but the thing is rihanna is looking like a fool for being such a wimp and not speaking out and wanting to take him back the whole situation is complex
that is not right!!she should have pressed charges!chris is totaly insane for doing that.althought rhianna did start it.she threw the keys out of there car and made chris mad!
well i have to agree with u on everyhting else but... they are NOT awful musicians. i love rihanna for her music but i hate her as a person because she is so stupid and ignorant. same with chris.
I no what is your name
Chris Brown is young, and so is Rehanna, and I really don't know what to say: There a good couple, but what he did to her...Horrible. I'd think he'd be smarter not to take a swing at her. he is a celeb, sheis a Celeb: he could've lost alot of contracts. ALSO he been up a girl...then BIT her??? thats sick.
at first chris brown and rihhana was a great couplebut know sence they got into that fight or argment when rihhana threw a brick at his nose thats when chris brown got mad and he said something and they start fighting for real..
at first chris brown and rihhana was a great couplebut know sence they got into that fight or argment when rihhana threw a brick at his nose thats when chris brown got mad and he said something and they start fighting for real..
rihanna has always been someone to look up to(as long as you don't watch her musicc videos or go to her concerts sometimes) until she decided to get back with the boy who brutally abused her she made a big mistake and that is a bad choice what kind of role model loves a cheating abusive boy who doesn't love her i am very disapointed in rihanna
I think both of them are at fault. Chris, for abusing Rihanna, and Rihanna for being ignorant enough to get back together with him. The both shouldn't be given the okay just because they're famous in the music world. In fact, they're AWFUL musicians.
I think both of them are at fault. Chris, for abusing Rihanna, and Rihanna for being ignorant enough to get back together with him. The both shouldn't be given the okay just because they're famous in the music world. In fact, they're AWFUL musicians.
Thanks for this perspective, teriincali. As parents, raising media awareness by opening our childrens' minds to all angles of this problem is important. As a violence prevention educator, the research cited here is useful in teaching male/female aggression as well as same gender aggression. Again, thanks for adding this piece.
No one responds to teriincali's comment. How typical. Honestly, if you see something that you don't like you, you either don't talk about it or you destroy it before enough people see it. What is wrong with people? How come no one is trying to refute him or acknowledge him in anyway. Whatever, the point is he is right. At a young age boys are taught that hitting girls is wrong. Of course it is, hitting anybody is wrong. But if two boys get in a fight (in my experience), it's not too big of a deal. If two girls do, the same. If a girl hits a boy, same. If a boy hits a girl, OMFG, he just f-in hit her. Seriously, think about every movie/tv show. You always see guys get hit, usually played for laughs. the guy holds his cheek, we laugh, because he did something stupid. But when the girl gets slapped because she's acting out, it tends to be dark and rainy, the girl tends to be lying on the floor crying and she runs away in tears, while the guy tries to apologize. WTF? Look, sexism is horrible and we often think of women as the victims, but you can't stereotype. This is really similar to racism against white people (I'm indian btw). Oh, and to that teacher, our generation is a lot more tolerant of random racist/sexist/mean comments, because most of these issues are so taboo, they don't affect us. The news makes a big hoopla over a couple of rappers saying the n word. Oh kids are using it. Hell, that word is basically another word for close friends. Most of us understand it's a joke. Some people can't take it. You might say, my kids aren't like that, but my parents don't like how we act so cool with everything. The times change. We change. Get over it.
As a female high school teacher, I am appalled and amazed at the reaction my 10th - 11th grade male students had to this story. I work in a private academy for athletes and have a very small group of 12 students that I work with. There are only 2 females in this crew. The ages range from 10-17 years old. My younger boys were sad for the situation and concerned (5th and 8th grade boys) but my 10th and 11th grade guys were saying things like "She deserved it!", "If she said those things to me, I would have done the same thing!", "Women need to be put in their place!" and so forth. Their comments took my breath away! Something happens to young men between the ages of 10-14 when they start to go through puberty. Once that happens, the need to feel powerful and in charge can really take over. I had to correct them intensely with all seriousness and tell them that their comments were not acceptable and their perspectives were off. I am pretty convinced that it went in one ear and out of the other for at least one of the guys (also from Barbados like Rihanna). Often times, teaching concerning violence against women needs to come from strong male role models. Unfortunately, there were no strong male singing or acting role models who have come forward in this whole issue with Chris Brown to help set the record straight about how one governs one's anger and passions in such a way that does not end in violence. Until men rise up and really mature, mentor, and model positive manhood, there will be more Chris Browns. Also, Rihanna seems to have been conditioned to put up with physical abuse and deem it as normal. Someone needs to tell her that it is never okay for someone to hurt her physically or abuse her verbally. She has learned to play the victim. No one has the right to take away your life. She needs to stay far away from him because right now is the calm before another storm. When he erupts again, it may cost her, her life.
As a parent an educator on Teen Relationship Violence, and an employee of a media outlet (KPBS) this story really hit home. We have been working for the past few years with some wonderful teens in high schools to help educate them on what a healthy relationship should look like. They in turn are going back out to their fellow students and passing on what they have learned. Unfortunately there is little work being done in the schools around this topic. Many experts feel these conversations should start as early as 5th and 6th grade!
It is true teens need to know where to turn for help but we as parents and educators also need to be talking about healthy relationships and giving examples of what that looks like. Respect and trust should be taught throughout every subject in school and modeled at home.
This article hits it on the head in the "Talk to Your Kids" section. Teach early and often! Set good examples of how people should treat each other. Have your teen set the bar for others by providing an example of how to treat others. It has to start somewhere!
There are some organizations out there doing some wonderful work around this topic. We list some of them at our site http://www.kpbs.org/prevent.
Excellent article!
As the mom of a 14-year-old girl and a 15-year-old boy, this whole situation really struck a nerve with me. Both of my teenagers were acutely aware of this "news" story, and because they both really love the music of these two messed-up people, they were affected by it. We had more than a couple of conversations about domestic violence--dating violence in particular. I tried to do a lot of listening, to see how my children viewed this situation, but of course, I did add some thoughts of my own. (Trying to maintain a non-judgmental attitude toward the people but condemning the actions is difficult, at best.) The good news is that they both had strong reactions to what happened and were not at all reluctant to share with me and some of their friends. It also opened up the door to discussing some personality "red flags" in potential boyfriends or girlfriends, as the dating scene is not far away.
Conversations like this both comfort and astound me, reminding me that my kids are growing up and that they have a pretty good foundation on which to build. I am forever grateful to my own parents for providing me with an amazing model for a healthy relationship and thankful to my husband for helping me give that to our children. However, I am a believer that people can come out of bad situations and stop the cycle--as long as they are aware, have a system of support or mentors, and are willing to work at it.
Liz, I agree with your opinions and suggestions about talking to your kids about abusive relationships, but it fails to mention any suggestions for what to do if you find your child is the abuser. This is a difficult enough issue for parents to have to confront if their child is the victim. I think finding out your child is an abuser would be even more frightening and difficult to try to deal with.
As a parent, I think there should be a way to punish all the networks that are supporting such violent act by still hiring that criminal. I think Chris Brown should be put away for a long while, and Rihanna should get serious help. I don't think children will follow this awfull pattern if the grow up in a loving, nurturing and stable environment.
Regardless of who initiated the incident, they're both at fault. Rhianna now has made life that much harder for a lot more teenaged and young women by not pressing charges, and then "forgiving" him. It's really a joke, albeit a sad one.
What I will also tell my kid is that nothing or no one is infallible, that people do things for money, and that the same network that can present a cool show like Avatar: The Last Airbender can also reward domestic abusers. Media is just run by people, and people in general can have serious problems in judgement.
Rihanna and Chris Brown are two messed up people. They need help desperately! Chris Brown needs to spend some time in jail to ponder his violent temper. Rihanna needs intensive therapy regarding domestic abuse
and how it affects different generations. As most girls do, like Rihanna, she lives her life the way she was brought up. That is all she knows. She doesn't know anything else. God watch over them, as no one else is!
The media has turned this incident into a gender-biased story. Everywhere I turn it's only about Chris violently attacking Rihanna. Now it's all about her condoning his battering.
It was initially reported that Rihanna initiated the attack, yet that fact has been dropped from most storylines. Now we hear she may have used her high heeled shoes as a weapon. Yet we still don't hear anyone condemning her for domestic violence the way we condemn Chris Brown.
Studies show women are just as likely to abuse as men. In fact, in young couples the female is the partner most likley to hit. Somewhere along the way we've taught girls that it's okay to hit boys.
If every media outlet looked at the true facts about domestic violence we'd see a different picture than we do now. I truly feel for every male growing up in today's society. Not only can women abuse them and get away with it, they can then claim to be the victim and gain custody of the kids. (Seventy percent of all allegations of domestic violence are later found to be unnecessary or false. - http://www.mediaradar.org)
Teen dating violence:
A recent 32-nation study on dating violence by the University of New Hampshire found women are as violent and controlling as men in relationships worldwide. http://www.unh.edu/news/cj_nr/2006/may/em_060519male.cfm?type=n
In 2006, the University of Florida recently found women are more likely than men to “stalk, attack and abuse” their partners.
http://news.ufl.edu/2006/07/13/women-attackers/
In 2007, the University of Washington recently found “nearly twice as many women as men said they perpetrated domestic violence in the past year including kicking, biting or punching their partner, threatening to hit or throw something at their partner, and pushing, grabbing or shoving their partner.” http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/06/070625111433.htm
DV in general:
The American Psychiatric Association and Harvard Medical School announced a major national study of young adult heterosexuals and found half of the domestic violence was reciprocal and women initiated most of both the reciprocal and non-reciprocal violence
www.patienteducationcenter.org/aspx/HealthELibrary/HealthETopic.aspx?cid...).
http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/42/15/31-a
This Canadian government report on abused men recognizes the same data:
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/familyviolence/pdfs/Intimate_Partn...
While crime data shows more female victims than male victims (because men simply report it less), most research actually shows women are at least as violent as men in heterosexual relationships. California State University Professor Martin Fiebert summarizes over 200 of these studies online at www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm.
Dutton, D., & Corvo, K., 'Transforming a flawed policy: A call to revive psychology and science in domestic violence research and practice,' (11) 2006, 457-483, http://www.nfvlrc.org/docs/DuttonCorvo.policypaper.pdf
What started as a sad story has degenerated into a truly vile and sickening one. As a former abuse victim, I know well the ties that can easily keep one emotionally or physically dependent on one's abuser. However, when this occurs between two such high profile individuals, it sets an example for those not old or mature enough to understand the deeper issues. It was horribly wrong of Chris Brown to use violence; however, Rihanna was equally wrong in obviously trying to minimize its magnitude. They should both be condemned and punished with banishment from the cultural landscape. Two truly awful human beings have every right to be so in private; to instill their values in children makes them so much more reprehensible. Boycott their trashy music.
I think Rihanna doesn't understand because of her age and background that what happened to her is not normal. I believe because she has seen other women go back to their abuser and they are still alive that she will be okay. But when people have an ungodly almost demonic spirit when they get angry they are out of control and can harm you to the point of taking your life before they know it. It may not be intentional but it happens all too often. If Rihanna behaves in a way that makes Chris so enraged that he physically hurts her then she is definitely the wrong girl for him. If Chris hurts Rihanna then he is DEFINITELY NOT! the right kind of person that she would want to associate with or should be in her life.
I think parents should organize a boycott of both of their music. Clearly they don't care what message they are sending to our kids, perhaps a financial loss can get through to them. This new duet is so cynical and tragic.
Oprah had a show about this today. Tyra Banks' said that when she interviewed both Chris and Rhianna in the past, that they both mentioned that they had domestic violence in their past -- as in, they dealt with it through their parents. It was sad, but I still don't think that's an excuse. Oprah also mentioned that not only are they recording a song together, but there's a rumor they might actually write a book together about domestic violence. Sigh.
This entire situation is so disturbing. I just read online that they recorded a song together. She is looking foolish at this point too. What kind of role model is she for her female fans?