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One of the toughest jobs of parenting is talking to your kids about difficult subjects. It's hard enough to explain when Mr. Teddy Bear gets eaten by the washing machine. Or how their bike got stolen at school. It feels impossible to put into words the really big issues, such as violence, racism, drugs, and other weighty topics. But in the age of cell phone notifications, streaming video, and 24-hour news coverage -- when even little kids are exposed to really serious stories -- it's important to face this challenge head-on. Addressing the tough stuff makes your kids feel safer, strengthens your bond, and teaches them about the world. And when you show them how to gather and interpret information, ask questions, and cross-check sources, they become critical thinkers. It's always sad to confront the issues the world hasn't been able to solve. But by investing our kids with knowledge, compassion, and strong character, we can give them all the tools they need to make things better.
When your kids learn about something scary or unsettling -- say, a mass shooting, a suicide on a popular TV show, or graphic porn via an innocent Google search -- most parents get that deer-in-the-headlights feeling. But it's always a good idea to use your kid's age and developmental stage as a guide to starting conversations, because kids absorb information differently as they grow from babies to teens. For example, young children are very literal. If you tell them a monster is under the bed, they'll fly across the room to avoid getting their ankles munched. Try that with a teen, and they'll tell you to take a flying leap. Understanding a bit about how kids perceive the world in each phase of their development helps you deliver information about it in the most age-appropriate way. Of course, every child brings his or her own sensitivities, temperament, experience, and other individual traits to any conversation. A talk about the Holocaust, for instance, can go in a million directions depending on the kid. So use your best judgment as to how your child tends to takes in information to determine how deep to go.
There are far too many difficult subjects in the world. But most of us wouldn't want to give up our dynamic, information-rich culture. The trade-off is frank, yet compassionate conversation that helps us all make sense of things that seem senseless. The tips below are general guidelines for discussing any difficult subject with kids age 2 through teen based on childhood-development guidelines. Additionally, we offer guidance on explaining the news to kids and talking about sexual harassment to young kids and tweens and teens.
Age 2–6
Young children don't have enough life experience to understand some of the elements involved in complex, difficult topics. They also don't have a firm grasp on abstract concepts and cause and effect. Because they and their primary relationships (Mom, Dad, siblings, grandparents -- even the family dog) are the center of their world, they focus on how things affect them. They're very sensitive to parents' emotional states and can worry that they did something to make you upset. All of this makes it challenging to explain big issues. On the other hand, you're better able to manage their media exposure, and they can usually move on fairly quickly.
Age 7–12
Because kids in this age group can read and write, they get exposed to age-inappropriate content more often -- but younger kids in this range are still a little shaky on what's real and pretend. As kids gain abstract-thinking skills, real-world experience, and the ability to express themselves, they can grapple with difficult subjects and understand different perspectives. Because tweens are separating from their parents, entering into puberty, and interacting with media more independently, they come into contact with violent video games, hard-core pornography, distressing news like mass shootings, and online hate speech. They need to be able to discuss things without feeling shame or embarrassment.
Teens
At this age, teens are engaged in media independently -- reading it, interacting with it, and even making their own and sharing it in the form of comments, videos, and memes. They often hear about difficult subjects in the news or from other places, such as in video game chats or on social media, without your knowledge. They're much more interested in what their friends or online folks think about an issue than in your opinion -- often scrolling to the bottom of an article to read user responses before they even read the whole story. They bristle at lectures -- because they think they know everything -- so encourage them to find media that can enrich their knowledge and ask questions that prompt them to think through their arguments.
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