New York Minute (PG, 2004)

In NEW YORK MINUTE, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen play estranged twin sisters who barely speak to each other anymore. When they both have to be in New York City for crucially important and life-changing events and everything goes wrong, they end up spending an adventure and romance-filled day together. Jane (Ashley) is the super-organized super-achiever who is on her way to New York to deliver a speech in a competition for a scholarship to Oxford University. Roxy (Mary-Kate) is the free spirit and aspiring rock star who wants to cut school to go to the filming of a music video so she can hand out copies of her CD to recording industry executives. But first they have to deal with being thrown off the train, being chased by a hitman who has hidden a valuable computer chip in Roxy's purse, losing Jane's speech, meeting up with two very cute guys, and many changes of costume.

The plot is pretty standard bonding-through-adversity stuff, including a literal "my dog ate it" plot twist (in the next movie, I'll bet the butler did it). There are a couple of funny moments, mostly those involving either slapstick comedy or SCTV vets Eugene Levy (as the truant officer stalking the biggest catch of all -- Roxy) and Andrea Martin (as a dog-loving Senator). It's good to see New York City playing itself, instead of Toronto acting as understudy. Jack Osborne and a man from the Olsens' past make brief appearances and Dr. Drew Pinsky brings the same dignified kindness to the role of the girls' father that he does to his popular radio call-in show about sex. But the movie still feels so artificial that it never captures the interest.

Perhaps it is because they are such hothouse flowers and have been surrounded by show business types and people who work for their Dualstar company all their lives, but Mary-Kate and Ashley don't seem to have much of a sense of how normal people behave in real life. All of their gestures and expressions come from the way people behave on television, imitations of imitations. They trot around on Sex-in-the-City high heels, and they smile, pout, and scream on cue. They know how to look pretty when they have to try on a montage of outlandish outfits bursting with bling-bling. But they don't have the guts to go for it when it's a choice between looking cute or getting the laugh. And the scenes (mercifully few) requiring actual acting are almost painful to watch. It is always good news to have a movie for the 8-14-year-olds, but it is too bad this one isn't better.