Don't watch this movie if you're lactose intolerant -- it’s that full of cheese. Though it means well -- the premise, if unexciting, is at least interesting, and the supporting cast, particularly Rachel Dratch, is charming -- its whimsy is forced and its momentum nonexistent. Romantic comedies, even the most formulaic ones, succeed when they carry you aloft on a giggle and a ride -- even if you know how it’s going to end, it should at least get you there with the wind behind your back.
But I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY doesn’t. Vardalos and Corbett, who once exhibited great chemistry in the justly vaunted My Big Fat Greek Wedding, don’t work here. The banter is strained, the delivery anemic (especially Vardalos, who seems to have recently attended the smile-brightly-and-everything-will-be-fine school of acting). There’s nothing offensive enough here to inspire outright hate, but there’s nothing to love, either.