Heed My Words!
As a three-year-old, I was summoned by my parents to the living room of our little apartment. They told me to look at the TV. I watched a boy offer Reese's Pieces to a figure shrouded in darkness. When the terrible head and neck were revealed, I was paralyzed in fear. I could not move. I could not speak. I wanted to scream and cry, but I couldn't. Finally, I forced myself to turn to my parents. Still unable to form words, I began to cry and ran to my room.
Thus was the beginning of my terrible fear of E.T. For years, I was plagued with nightmares and anxiety. Any silhouette with the same shape reduced me to tears. When I reached fourth grade, I began to obsessively cover or change any shapes that would transform into his frightening appearance when the light were turned out. Night lights didn't help much; the light would produce new shadows. I constantly looked over my shoulder in terror, for fear that he would suddenly appear behind me. The slightest suggestion of him would send chills down my spine, and trigger an all-too-familiar lump in my throat. To this day, when I enter an F.Y.E. in the mall, my friends must block his likeness in the action-figure section, for fear that I will scream and leave a MsResearch-shaped-whole in the wall. So many stories...but I digress.
Caution, parents! You may look upon this figure with affection or even love! You may yearn to introduce your children to this award-winning film! However, I insist you resist! Spare your child from the pain I was caused! This is the testimony of one who knows! DO NOT SHOW YOUR PRESCHOOLER THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL!!!
THEY TOLD ME HE WAS AN ACTOR IN A SUIT, NO DIFFERENT FROM MY TEDDY BEAR!! I THEN COULD NOT TOUCH MY TEDDY BEAR! THEY TOLD ME THAT HE IS ACTUALLY A LOVABLE CHARACTER WHO I MISUNDERSTOOD!! I WAS POSSESSED WITH IMAGES OF HIM TRYING TO CATCH ME TO MAKE ME UNDERSTAND!!
UNDERSTAND THIS: IF YOU SHOW A LITTLE KID E.T., SHE WILL BE SCARRED FOR LIFE!
P.S. Sorry for shouting. As you can see, this is a very sensitive subject which I felt compelled to share with the world.
P.P.S. I said "Really good" because my inner Spock thinks it's likely that humans awarded it for a reason.