Pinocchio: A True Story

I'm genuinely pissed the horse didn't die.

movie was bad as it is, but what about the detective guys? the two assistant dudes looked the same and were terribly unappealing to look at but the one with the mustache made me throw my laptop at the TV. WHY IS IT ABOVE HIS LIP AND NOT UNDER HIS NOSE? HIS NOSE IS SO HIGH UP AND WHY IS HIS MUSTACHE DOWN THERE. it looks so stupid. i just wanted to pop that guys head like a pimple throughout the entire 10 minutes of screen time he got. mad he didn't die.. also was diagnosed with tuberculosis after watching this and I will go as far as to say that this movie inflicted it. pinocchio is also brutally and violently shot with a gun. it is very disturbing, graphic, and gory. he does not die 😖😞 don't watch unless you want tuberculosis.

We are huge movie lore experts in my family, and so naturally, we anticipated the release of this movie with great excitement! Sadly, the excitement ended within the first 20 minutes of this movie. Parents, I strongly encourage not letting your kids watching this movie! Thank God I had the sense to preview this before letting my kids watch it! “Scary” doesn’t even begin to describe the sick, twisted, nightmarish things that the creators at Disney decided would be appropriate to include in a movie that they know 6 year olds will be watching! Who is making this stuff? Speed Weed? The creators of this movie should be ashamed of themselves. They took “scary” way too far, even to the point of sadistic. I am horrified as a parent, and there is NO WAY I am letting my children watch this. You destroyed Pinocchio. good job, Disney. You guys are sickos! Parents, beware!

This cheesy horror tale, which cashes in on a monster made famous in bigger-budget movies, glides confidently into the "so bad, it's good" realm, making ill-advised choices in nearly every capacity. A good place to start is the way Pinocchio: A True Story appropriates Mexican culture, not only borrowing the monster, but also focusing on a White family while viewing the Latino characters as either "bad men" or helpful servants or side characters. (The main female character is adopted and may or may not be of Latino descent, but she doesn't speak Spanish and identifies as White.) Even if viewers choose to overlook that (though why would you?), other issues in Pinocchio: A True Story include the subpar performances (with the exception of Danny Trejo; he's still cool). Jon Heder makes Uncle Tibalt seem especially pushy and not exactly the most sympathetic character, while Pauly Shore makes Pinocchio seem rather annoying. Even the performers who can manage to deliver a line can't get around the silly story and poor dialogue and decision-making, especially the fact that Pinocchio gets taken by Modjafocco three times. The low-rent digital effects round things out, from blobby-looking blood to a "menacing" scarf that slithers through the water. Mojafocco him self merely cackles and snarls at the camera, and is not scary in the slightest.