Parents' Guide to Amityville Uprising

If terrible and stupid movies were war crimes, this movie would be put on trial at The Hague and found guilty by unanimous verdict. Amityville Uprising doesn't even evoke the laughter of a "so bad, it's good" so much as it evokes a cry for help and a fervent prayer to the heavens that those responsible for these movies will stop making bad movies with the word "Amityville" in the title. The "uprising" in the title refers to a zombie outbreak in a police precinct, but there's so much that's clunky and idiotic before that even happens, by the time the zombie attacks begin, it's impossible to determine why it took so long.

As bad CGI clouds form over poor beleaguered Amityville, the cops talk about, among other things, food, their relationship statuses, their crushes on newscasters, the poor hygiene habits of the coroner down in the morgue. There are no calls to the station about this emergency, even as newscasters and weather people implore their viewers to stay inside. Actors are constantly being asked to express emotion to traumatic events that are so clearly out of their limited range it grows tiresome instead of ironically funny. It's the latest in a long-enough string of lousy movies with "Amityville" in the title; one would think Amityville public officials would take a stand to stop their village from getting continually besmirched by these terrible non-sequels. Maybe "The East Rockaway Horror" doesn't have the same ring to it, but here's hoping that this is the movie in which Amityvillians kindly ask that bad horror movies find a new Long Island hamlet already.