Kid reviews for Noah's Ark

Common Sense says

Animated biblical tale has cartoonish violence, crass humor.
Based on our expert review

Parents say

age 8+
Based on 1 review

Kids say

age 14+
Based on 2 reviews
Kid, 12 years old June 28, 2020

Well...

It’s really...something. There’s two versions, and in order to give this movie a proper review, I had to look at the original movie on YouTube, which is definitely for ages 12 and up...however, the DVD can be watched by 8-9 year olds, or even 7 year olds if they’re mature enough.

So, “sexy stuff”:
In the DVD, it’s mainly just the character designs: busty cats, among others. There’s also a lot of adult jokes, but nothing that a kid would understand as long as you’re monitoring their screens.

But in the original film, there’s plenty of things to worry about: the previously mentioned “busty cats” are sometimes shown in what appears to be an ANIMAL STRIP CLUB. Wow. Okay. But let’s ignore that and move on...the main character, either Zero or Zira, I’m not really sure what they’re saying, wants to go on the Ark because he heard it was a cruise ship for animal couples. He’s a lion, so he’s gonna be king (sound familiar?). He’s the one who gives everybody orders on the ship besides Noah. He tells his father that the “girlfriends” he requested are all wrong and lists the things that are bad about them. Basically, he’s body shaming them. So the king gets him this cat/lioness to take to the Ark.

Now, let’s move onto violence, shall we?:
It’s all the same in the DVD and the original: animals fighting and arguing because they want to eat the prey on the Ark and go into full detail about how they’re going to over feed them in a farm and then boil them. Then there’s the part where Zero’s girlfriend dies by hippo. Yeah. It’s slapstick, though, so if your kid watches Looney Tunes or superhero cartoons like Teen Titans Go!, it’s probably fine. Then this next part: a mixture between sexy stuff and violent stuff. Uh oh. The new cat who is supposed to be Zero’s new girlfriend after the hippo freak accident sings a song about wanting to eat the herbivores while the screen shifts to some questionable camera angles, which I’m pretty sure is kept in the DVD. Yikes.

And now, swearing:
None. Hm.
There will be insults, sure, like “idiot” or “imbecile”, but that’s not really cursing.

Drinking:
There’s. A. Bar. They edited it out of the DVD, but it’s in the YouTube video. I should probably also mention that while editing out the “bad” parts for the DVD, a lot of important info and character development was left out, so watching the DVD might be a little hard, but risking watching the Internet video and exposing your child to these themes is a little...worse. Back to the drinking: they drink so much and so sloppily it appears they are sick. If a kid’s watched Annie or something like that, it’s totally fine to watch the DVD with the romance and the alcohol and such, but watching the YouTube video is probably a no go.

Consumerism:
None.

Great messages:
Well, it’s Noah’s Ark! It teaches you how to be a leader and stuff, but while the version of God they have in the movie is funny, it might give kids the wrong idea...

Great role models:
The characters are either jerks, are really lusty, we don’t get enough information about them to care, are unlikable, or all of the above. Except...one: Kairel. She’s hardworking, is the lion king’s assistant, and tries her best to ignore the rude animals aboard the ship. Everybody should be Kairel. Except that her character design includes ridiculously large hips and large busts, plus this egg shaped head thing going on, which is a little weird and questionable. Besides that, you’ve got yourself the nicest character in the show.

So, before I conclude this long review, here’s something cool I just found out trying to find the name of the role model character, Zero’s name is actually spelled Xiro. Cool.

Okay, so, in conclusion, the DVD is okay. Parental guidance would be nice, yes, so that the kid doesn’t start repeating the insults or doing anything inappropriate/suggestive, but the edited movie is...okay. It was entertaining and the 3D models and animation was impressive.

I guess the only thing you really need to take away from this preteen who reviewed a movie because they’re so bored is that you should never watch the unedited version with your child unless they’re twelve or older. And even then, would your child really be interested in furries at that age?

Welp, there you have it. My thirteen paragraph review! I hope that’s just coincidence, that’s honestly a little creepy that this landed on thirteen...anyways, have a nice day.

This title contains:

Sexy stuff
Teen, 15 years old Written byHollyHills786 December 21, 2018

Go and see this if you’re 15

I don’t really know much about the film. But I will say that 15 years old can watch this film with no trouble. Under age, don’t watch this film or watch it with a parent.

This title contains:

Violence & scariness
Sexy stuff
Drinking, Drugs & Smoking