Transylmania

(i)

 

Sex, drugs, and vampires combine for stupid, vile "comedy."
  • Review Date: December 5, 2009
  • Rated: R
  • Genre: Comedy
  • Release Year: 2009
  • Running Time: 92 minutes

What parents need to know

Positive messages

The movie starts with some cultural and sexual stereotypes. Characters also judge others based on physical appearance, and the movie ridicules characters with problems or flaws. Characters take drugs with no consequences.

Positive role models

Not one character in this movie could possibly contribute anything positive to society -- though, to be fair, they aren't mean as much as they are stupid.

Violence

Lots of comical fantasy violence played for laughs. Vampires get staked in the heart, and other characters get hit with crossbow arrows (complete with lost limbs and spurting blood). One girl loses her head, and her body is chopped up, stitched back together, unraveled, and stitched together again. There are also guns and swordfighting, as well as various martial arts and hand-to-hand combat between vampires and vampire hunters. In one scene, vampires use a human as a keg, with a tap connected to his torso.

Sex

Non-stop sex talk, most of it crude. Several topless females, as well as inflatable sex dolls. Plenty of kissing. Teenagers have simulated sex, but it's completely hidden under the covers. There's a joke about premature ejaculation, as well as ejaculate on a computer screen. One male character shows his bare behind, which is partially obscured (his front is totally obscured). Viewers see pages of a sexual manual, as well as sexy drawings. Fake prosthetic body parts (such as a large, single breast on one girl's chest). Most of the female characters wear revealing clothes, with lots of exposed cleavage. Crude songs with sex-related lyrics.

Language

Frequent use of "s--t" in all its forms, as well as many uses of "f--k." Also words like "bitch," "whore," "goddamn," "ass," "t-ts," "balls," "hump," "douche bag," "bastard," "fudge-packer," "spanking your pud," and more. Characters raise the middle finger and use insults including "moron" and "idiot." One joke involves a priest with Tourette's syndrome who curses a blue streak during a funeral.

Consumerism

Just a reference to Viagra.

Drinking, drugs, & smoking

Two teen male characters constantly smoke pot, and another character -- who believes he's taking Viagra -- pops a handful of pills of varying origins (tranquilizers, speed, etc.). Viewers also see a "psychedelic" drug sequence after these various pills kick in. Characters smuggle drugs inside their rectums.

Parents Need to Know

Parents need to know that Transylmania is a crude, stupid vampire "comedy" with lots of sex, drugs, swearing, and cartoonish violence -- which means it's precisely the kind of movie that younger teens (particularly boys) will try to sneak into after buying tickets for something else. All of the so-called humor is either vulgar or juvenile, and scenes include everything from "humorously" bloody fights and dismemberments to bare breasts to broad stereotypes to frequent use of words like "s--t" and "f--k." The best that can be said for it is that it's more stupid than it is mean. Also, there is an unrated version of this film available on dvd, this review is for the rated versions shown in theaters.

Kids say

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What's the story?

A group of teens travels to Romania for a semester abroad. There, they learn of an ancient vampire called Radu (Oren Skoog), who hopes to restore the body of his loved one to life -- but her soul is trapped in a lost music box. One of the teens finds the box, his girlfriend becomes possessed by the spirit of the vampire queen, and suddenly vampires swarm the school. To make matters worse, Radu looks exactly like Rusty, another of the teens on the trip. Meanwhile, a mad scientist decapitates a girl in order to find a replacement body for his hunchbacked daughter. During all of this, the rest of the teens are mainly interested in partying and sex. Fortunately, teacher/vampire hunter Teodora van Sloan (Musetta Vander) is on the job.

Is it any good?

QUALITY

All of the so-called jokes in TRANSYLMANIA are either vulgar or juvenile -- a crude mix of sex, foul language, drugs, stereotypes, and noisy bodily functions. It's 90 minutes of idiotic, annoying characters, some haphazard plotting and filmmaking, and little else. It has no artistic or social value, and it contains not one genuine laugh.

The movie's extreme subject matter positions it for older teens, but viewers in that age group will find it far too stupid for their sensibilities. Unfortunately, younger teens may well want to see it, even if they have to buy a ticket for some other movie and sneak in. Our only hope is that the movie -- which sat on the shelf for two years prior to its rushed release -- will burn out quickly and fade away quietly.

Families can talk about...

  • Families can talk about the way the movie makes judgments based on appearances and other stereotypes. Are stereotypes ever funny?

  • Some of the characters smoke pot almost constantly with no harmful effect. What would have been some of the real-life consequences of their behavior?

  • One girl is captured and decapitated because she's a "stick in the mud" and wouldn't go out partying with her friends. Should her behavior have been punished? Is it better to be a "stick in the mud" or to party all the time?

  • Did you think th movie was funny? What made you laugh, and why? Why are different things funny to different groups/types of people?

Movie details

Theatrical release date:December 4, 2009
DVD release date:April 26, 2010
Cast:Musetta Vander, Oren Skoog, Patrick Cavanaugh
Directors:David Hillenbrand, Scott Hillenbrand
Studio:Full Circle Releasing
Genre:Comedy
Run time:92 minutes
MPAA rating:R
MPAA explanation:crude and sexual content, nudity, drug use, language and some violence

This review of Transylmania was written by

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Adult Written bychestina121 February 21, 2012

It was good

this movie was fine, but it's a great movie to watch with your teens
What other families should know
Too much violence
Too much swearing
Too much drinking/drugs/smoking
Adult Written byMovieMan26 October 11, 2010

Unbelievably stupid and vulgar

This is the probably worst movie of 2009. Parents: It's vulgar, gross, sexual, and there's a strong possibility that your kids will lose brain cells while watching this. Bottom Line: This movie is like the video tape in The Ring: if you watch it, you may not die, but your brain (cells) will! Burn this movie, and I don't mean onto another CD. If we copied this, it would be like copying that Ring tape like they did at the end of The Ring. A movie you hate would probably be better than this! Thanks for reading, and sorry for the negativity - Movie Man
What other families should know
Too much violence
Too much sex
Too much swearing
Too much drinking/drugs/smoking
Adult Written bybrucevain December 22, 2009
if you're lots of people, you'll have such an "easy does it" approach to parenting, trying desperately to be your kid's "buddy," you'll approve of your kid seeing this movie.
What other families should know
Too much sex
Too much swearing

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