Parents' Guide to Witchboard

This remake/reboot is the fourth in a subpar horror series, and, like its predecessors, doesn't work due to silly characters, ridiculous situations, and not-scary villains. Witchboard doesn't have much to do with the 1986 movie it purports to be a remake of. Even the board looks different: This one is an antique, rounded "pendulum board," as opposed to a store-bought Ouija board. After a silly flashback and a laughable sequence in which two bumbling robbers improbably steal the board from a museum, viewers are introduced to the characters with stiff dialogue. They explain things to one another that they should already know, which is the script's lazy way of imparting information to the audience. Really, at no point do characters ever appear to be talking to each other in a natural way.

Plus, the villain is a smarmy fellow who says things like "Wakey, wakey! Eggs and bakey!" when his kidnapped victim regains consciousness, and the villainous plot makes little sense. Moreover, the heroes rarely behave in any intelligent way, continuously making the worst possible choices and ignoring the obvious. It goes without saying that, with no emotional involvement, there's no suspense, no tingles, and nothing even remotely frightening. (The movie has not one but two jump scares involving cats, a very old, tired tactic.) Witchboard is also absurdly long. It's worth noting that the director is Chuck Russell, who also helmed two vintage 1980s horror movies with cult followings—A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors and The Blob—but who seems long past being able to recapture the charm of those films. This movie is more "bored" than board.