Vampires Suck

Movie review by
Jeffrey M. Anderson, Common Sense Media
Vampires Suck Movie Poster Image
Lowbrow, sex-and-violence-laden vampire spoof really bites.
  • PG-13
  • 2010
  • 77 minutes

Parents say

age 13+
Based on 23 reviews

Kids say

age 12+
Based on 112 reviews

A lot or a little?

The parents' guide to what's in this movie.

Positive Messages

As in the Twilight films, the theme here involves overwhelming, passionate romance that borders on obsessive and is at the expense of everything else. Beyond that, there's no evidence of mutual trust or friendship. Instead, characters are mainly interested in sex, ridiculing others, and stereotyping.

Positive Role Models & Representations

Like the real Bella character in the Twilight films, Becca's obsession with Edward seems on the unhealthy side; it doesn't feel like a mutually beneficial love. She's willing to sacrifice everything for him, including family, friends, and perhaps her own future. As this is a spoof, there's no meaningful discussion about what the relationship means; it's all jokes about break-ups and sex.

Violence

Lots of highly exaggerated, consequence-free violence and spurting blood played for cartoonish comic effect. In one scene, a character has a broken arm with a protruding bone. A vampire sucks a character dry (her skin shrivels up). Another character has his arms, legs, and head ripped off. Characters beat each other up with fists, feet, knives, shovels, baseball bats, and whatever other weapons happen to be handy. A character pulls a gun and shoots a girl in the woods. A character "juggles" a baby in another scene. Characters are kicked in the crotch.

Sex

In one scene, Becca decides that she's going to "hump the s--t out of" Edward. She leaps on top of him, kisses him, nibbles his neck, and removes his "chastity ring." She also appears in a leather "dominatrix" outfit (including flashing red lights on the bra). But they're interrupted before sex can actually happen, and there's no nudity. In another scene, Edward touches his penis through his jeans. He also strips naked; his genitals aren't visible, but there's a shot of his "saggy" buttocks (the punchline of a joke). References to another character's required shirtlessness. Becca's dad comments on the size of her breasts.

Language

One use of "f--k" and several  "s--t"s. Other words include "wang," "douchebag," "son of a bitch," "damn," "t-ts," "goddamn," "hump," "ass," "bitch," "crap," "oh my God," and "hell," plus one use of the raised middle finger.

Consumerism

The characters regularly display and use name brands, such as Facebook and Twitter, Slurpee, Cheetos, Count Chocula cereal, and Tampax. Edward rides a Segway. The movie directly references the real Twilight films and author Stephenie Meyer, and there are endless pop culture references to celebrities like the Kardashians, the Black Eyed Peas, the Jonas Brothers, Taylor Swift, George Clooney, and more.

Drinking, Drugs & Smoking

Some teens are seen drinking at the prom. A teen character hurls a bottle of champagne from the back of her rented limo.

What parents need to know

Parents need to know that Vampires Suck is a very lowbrow spoof of the Twilight films from the makers of previous lame parodies like Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans. It's rated PG-13 but pushes the boundaries of that rating with it's frequent (albeit cartoonish) violence, sexual obsession, and language (there's one "f--k" and several "s--t"s). Teen boys who are sick of Twilight might find some perverse pleasure in seeing it skewered, but the satire here isn't very smart or funny, and there's little of value.

User Reviews

Parent of a 12, 15, and 16 year old Written byawesome mom lori October 28, 2010

great for eleven years and up

It was a great movie. Parents who are not letting thier kids watch it are really stuid. I am a parent myself and i let my twelve year old and her eleven year ol... Continue reading
Adult Written byTrevorsHeartburn September 26, 2015

zomg Edward is like the hottest!!!1!! ^_^b

i may have only been 12 when i watched this movie, but i wouldnt suggest it to anyone who desnt already like hot dudes !!1
Kid, 12 years old December 19, 2010

Have not seen it, but if it punches Twilight in the face, GO VAMPIRES SUCK! YAY!

Twilight had it coming. No, I'm serious! They really did just have a parody of them coming. In my review of Twilight, I mentioned that it was like a soap o... Continue reading
Kid, 12 years old January 4, 2011

God for preteens not any younger though ;)

I loved it! The language isn't any worse then what you hear at school, and the violence is so cheesy that it induces laughs. I watched it with like 3 frien... Continue reading

What's the story?

Becca (Jenn Proske) moves to the small Washington town of Sporks to live with her sheriff father (Diedrich Bader). There she meets the mysterious, brooding Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter) and becomes fascinated with him. That he's a vampire only increases her obsession. Meanwhile, other vampires are constantly trying to kill her, while friendly werewolves try to help her. All the while, lots of ridiculously silly stuff happens. Will Edward and Becca make it through the prom alive?

Is it any good?

From the writers/directors of Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, and Disaster Movie, this is an exercise in lowest-common-denominator humor, in which the pop culture reference is king. Merely dropping a name or imitating a scene or a character passes for a joke in these films. (Though newcomer Proske is uncannily good at imitating Kristen Stewart's shy stammer in the Twilight films).

The so-called "filmmakers" have nabbed a PG-13 rating to lure in what they consider to be gullible teens, but they push the limits of that rating to include as much sex, violence, and language as possible, not to mention product placements and pop culture references galore. What's missing is any real humor, characters, or emotions -- as well as any kind of attempt at an actual spoof, parody, or satire. This movie doesn't have the slightest idea what it wants to say about the Twilight saga in particular or vampires in general.

Talk to your kids about ...

  • Families can talk about the violence in the movie. Is it funny? If so, why? Does that change its impact?

  • What makes a satire or a spoof work? Is this an effective satire or spoof of the Twilight films? Does it make you appreciate those films more or less?

Movie details

For kids who love vampires

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