Parents' Guide to

Vampires Suck

By Jeffrey M. Anderson, Common Sense Media Reviewer

age 15+

Lowbrow, sex-and-violence-laden vampire spoof really bites.

Movie PG-13 2010 77 minutes
Vampires Suck Poster Image

A Lot or a Little?

What you will—and won't—find in this movie.

Community Reviews

age 13+

Based on 24 parent reviews

age 14+

UNRATED VERSION Review.

I'm going to review the UNRATED version because if you buy (Hopefully not) the dvd it includes this also. Language 5/10: (1 F-Word towards the end, Sh*t, D*mn, H*ll, B*tch, and A*s are used frequently also slang for body parts W*ng, T*ts, and P*ssy.) Sex/Nudity 8/10: (A man recommends his daughter should get butt-implants so someone will "do" her and he also comments on her breast size. The same man keeps a naked blow-up doll in his daughter's room breasts and pubic hair visible later, the man says he and his doll will need to "get busy". A young woman trying to save her boyfriend fights her way through a fountain filled with Jell-o and Girls in Bikinis. A young woman writes a letter to her lover saying how she hopes she can defecate again soon. Another woman says how men ask her if "The carpets match the drapes". One Almost Sex Scene which includes a woman in a dominatrix suit.) Violence/Gore 6/10: (Beatings, Stabbings, Bones Protruding Skin, and Decapitations all cartoonish and featuring no blood.) This Movie isn't for young fans of the twilight saga, it's target audience.
age 14+

Unironically my favorite movie of all time

Is It Any Good?

Our review:
Parents say (24 ):
Kids say (117 ):

From the writers/directors of Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, and Disaster Movie, this is an exercise in lowest-common-denominator humor, in which the pop culture reference is king. Merely dropping a name or imitating a scene or a character passes for a joke in these films. (Though newcomer Proske is uncannily good at imitating Kristen Stewart's shy stammer in the Twilight films).

The so-called "filmmakers" have nabbed a PG-13 rating to lure in what they consider to be gullible teens, but they push the limits of that rating to include as much sex, violence, and language as possible, not to mention product placements and pop culture references galore. What's missing is any real humor, characters, or emotions -- as well as any kind of attempt at an actual spoof, parody, or satire. This movie doesn't have the slightest idea what it wants to say about the Twilight saga in particular or vampires in general.

Movie Details

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